


There's No Such Thing as Too Much Purell

by ThanksForTheHeroinHunkyJesus



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, superhero au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 16:04:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13884309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThanksForTheHeroinHunkyJesus/pseuds/ThanksForTheHeroinHunkyJesus
Summary: Superhero, n.def'n: a fictional hero having extraordinary or superhuman powers; also : an exceptionally skillful or successful personTechnically, by definition, Jake Peralta can say he is a real-life superhero.





	There's No Such Thing as Too Much Purell

**Author's Note:**

> Writing Prompt:  
> "You are suddenly able to see numbers above peoples' heads which are counting down and you have no idea why. One person you meet reaches 0 and..."

Superhero, _n_.

 _def'n_ : a fictional hero having extraordinary or superhuman powers; also : an exceptionally skillful or successful person

 

 

Technically, by definition, Jake Peralta can say he is a real-life superhero. He fits all the criteria of the dictionary description of the word: he saves lives at work, he takes down bad guys, and he is most certainly an exceptionally skillful and successful person. He also, as is required of a superhero, has a (secret) superpower. It isn't exactly a useful power, per se, but the dictionary doesn't specifically state that the power has to assist him in his heroism, so it kinda counts. At least in his mind.

Long story short, Jake is a superhero.

 

 

_It was his twentieth birthday and Jake was prepared to spend the day with a few of his friends from the police academy. They'd all get drunk, eat cake and do stupid shit young adults do. That sounded like a killer way to spend the night. His plans were put at a bit of a stand-still though when he walked into the kitchen that morning._

_He hadn't noticed anything weird when he looked in the mirror. He looked like the normal Jake he saw every morning: messy curls of hair sticking up in all different directions, crusted eyes squinting in the morning light, rumpled pyjama pants and t-shirt, only wearing one sock. That's what he always saw in the morning when he looked in the mirror, and he didn't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen when he walked into the kitchen. When he saw his mom making breakfast though, something was off._

_Not just something slightly weird either. It's not like he caught her wearing drag or spanking Justin Timberlake or something, although that would admittedly change the way he views his mom entirely. Those were scenarios that could be explained away though.  No, she had a timer hovering over her head. A glowing timer with gleaming white numbers and a transparent blue background._

_000:00:17:23_

_He stopped in his tracks and watched as the seconds counted down above her._

_000:00:17:22_

_000:00:17:21_

_000:00:17:20_

_"Jake, dear, can you grab some plates for me? I'm about to put the pancakes out and I don't have any hands to spare."_

_He stared a moment longer. Did she know it was there? What was going to happen when it reached zero? Was there one above his head too? His mind was racing, but it came to a screeching halt as his mother turned to him and asked, "Are you feeling alright?"_

_She was staring at him now, plate of pancakes in one hand and spatula in the other. He didn't say anything, just looked at the timer, then her, then the timer again, hoping that she would understand what he was trying to communicate. Evidently, she had no clue what was going on though, as she set down the stack of pancakes and sat him down in a chair._

_"Are you sick? You're looking really pale," she said as she put a hand to his forehead. Jake could barely even focus on her questioning. When she walked over to him he kept his eyes on the timer, which had hovered ominously above her,  always the exact same distance from the top of her head. As she knelt in front of him, it bobbed down as well and continued its countdown._

_His mom didn't seem to know about the timer, or if she did she was amazingly good at hiding her knowledge of it. Jake decided in that moment that he would keep it to himself for now, at least until he could figure out what was going on. He didn't want to risk sounding like a complete lunatic. He's had some pretty embarrassing phases in the past but if he mentioned this he would sound absolutely insane._

_"I just woke up," he rasped, trying to play up the tiredness so she would back off. He squinted his eyes as she stood up again._

_"Oh, well, okay. As long as you're feeling okay. You're just acting a little strange."_

_Distraction time._

_"I just had the craziest dream, mom," he started, planning to make this as weird as possible so she would forget about his moment of panic. "I was falling through the sky and I saw this incredible girl. She had, like, the body of a hawk and the mind of Stephen Hawking, and super giant boobies, and then we started hooking up!" He let his voice become as scratchy as possible, a lazy grin stretching across his face._

_"That's... Interesting," she said, clearly confused and a little uncomfortable with the topic at hand. "Well, if you're feeling alright then why don't we have some breakfast. I made them the way you like them for your birthday."_

_She stood up again and went to retrieve the plates herself. Jake inspected the pancakes and, upon seeing the melted chocolate chips dotted throughout them, was able to confirm that she did in fact make them exactly the way he liked. The smell of the cakey, chocolaty goodness was enough to temporarily distract him from his worries, although he was reminded once more when she sat across from him at the table._

_As the two of them ate, he kept glancing up nervously at the timer above her. Less than ten minutes to go now, and his heart raced a little faster with each second that passed._

_000:00:09:16_

_She made idle conversation with him, but try as he might, he couldn't keep his mind off the possibly literal ticking time bomb across the table from him. He had seen enough movies to know that timers were always a bad sign._

_000:00:02:48_

_Oh god, this was torturous. He almost wanted for time to speed up just so he could get this over with. On the other hand, he also didn't want time to continue at all for fear of what might happen to his mom._

_000:00:01:04_

_Jesus fucking Christ here it comes. Jake was absolutely not prepared for what might happen. He imagined all the ways she could possibly die. Heart attack? Stroke? Spontaneous combustion? They were all possibilities. An escaped lion could even bust in through the wall like the Kool-aid man and eat all her fingers, then sit on Jake, trapping him, and leaving her unable to call an ambulance (because no fingers, duh), forcing him to watch as she bleeds out all over the kitchen floor._

_000:00:00:13_

_He had completely abandoned his pancakes now and had his phone in his hand, fingers poised to call 911 if shit went sideways._

_000:00:00:03_

_Shit._

_000:00:00:02_

_Fuck._

_000:00:00:01_

_Shit fuck._

_000:00:00:00_

_He watched as her face contorted. She pulled her arm up to cover her face. Her eyes squeezed shut._

_And she sneezed._

_The timer reset above her head._

_What the actual fuck._

* * *

 

"Hey, Jake, could you pass me that file real quick? I think I may have just found a new lead." Amy leaned forward at her desk and gestured to the file for the case they were currently working on, a string of stabbings which all seemed to be connected. It's not very often you come across a serial stabber so Jake was pretty excited when Holt handed him the case.

"Yeah, sure," he grabbed the file and looked up at her, then at the timer hovering above her. Then he pulled the file back before she could grab it, grinning smugly and saying "Bless you."

He watched as Amy rolled her eyes right before her face scrunched up and she sneezed into the crook of her elbow. He held out the file for her once more and she snatched it out of his hands, annoyed but playful smile creeping onto her face.

Amy had been transferred to the Nine-Nine four years ago, and since then, he has made it his life goal to annoy her as much as humanly possible. Even if she hates to say it, she really does enjoy working with him, and he enjoys working with her just as much. They've forged a bizarre relationship based on competition, even going so far as to come up with a year-long bet (of which they are in the tenth month) to see who can get more felony arrests.

Jake has also made it clear that he thinks he is a prank master. He has covered her entire car in sticky notes twice, has rigged her front door to dump glitter on her (he was kind enough to clean it up for her afterwards, like a gentleman), and once even made enough slime to fill her bathtub. All those pranks were easy enough to figure out though. They were all simple, and often were featured pranks in popular internet videos.

The one thing he does constantly, and which she cannot for the life of her figure out, is how he always knows when she, and everyone else he meets, is going to sneeze. He has told her about a million made-up excuses for how he does it, but he knows that she knows that he is absolutely not telling the truth (even if the 'you make a weird face right before you sneeze' explanation sounds pretty convincing, at least in his own mind). He can tell that the desire to know is a constant itch for her, but he couldn't possibly lend her his back-scratcher for fear of looking like a lunatic (and she would also definitely make fun of him for owning a back-scratcher).

The two of them sat in silence for a moment, but Amy spoke up.

"When are you going to tell me how you _actually_ do that?"

He had heard the question so many times before, and it surprised him how much he actually wanted to tell her. So far, nobody in the world knew except for himself. It's such a small thing but it affects him in a bigger way than it arguably should. The timers are always there, above everyone's heads except for his own. He has a knowledge nobody else has, and he wants to share it with someone.

He wasn't close enough to Santiago to tell her though. They were co-workers, colleagues, but she made it clear she had friends (or, at least one friend) outside of work, a group of people that did not include him. They had gotten fairly close, but dropping that bombshell on her is a bit of a stretch in his mind. If even Gina, one of his closest friends, doesn't know, why should Santiago of all people?

The desire to tell her still exists though. She's the one who comments on it most often, the one constantly asking how he knows when she's about to sneeze. Sure, when he does the same thing with the other detectives they'll occasionally ask, but they've mostly accepted it as one of Peralta's weird quirks, like how they've also come to grudgingly accept that he puts orange soda in his cereal. Amy is the one who asks even when he hasn't predicted one of her sneezes recently. She'll often pop the question if they're on a stakeout together, sitting in his crappy car and watching a building across the street. He never tells her the truth, but her interest in it makes him feel weirdly happy. People aren't generally this invested in him (just look at his relationship with his dad), but she seems to actually care.

It's like a breath of fresh air for him if he's being honest.

Jake is broken from his thoughts again when she looks up from her computer and says, "Alright, I think I have an address for our perp. Let's go check this out."

 

* * *

 

He won the bet.

He had a lot of stuff planned for the night, but was cut off when they were sent on a stakeout. He wasn't too happy about it at first, but spending the time with her was actually fairly enjoyable (and maybe he is also a little into her but he won't tell anyone that), so he turned down the relief team.

They had a surprisingly good time. After a moment of silence though, she asks again.

"How do you know when everyone is gonna sneeze?"

He wages a mental battle. He wants, no, _needs_ to tell someone. It's a secret he's kept for thirteen years and he's bursting at the seams with desire to let someone know.

And who deserves to know more than Santiago?

"You really want to know?"

She nods, eyes tender and caring, and in that moment he trusts her more than any other person in the world.

"I was twenty, fresh out of the academy. Woke up on my birthday and saw a timer above my mom's head."

She looks at him incredulously, but doesn't stop him.

"Panicked a lot that morning until I found out what it counted down to. Thought she was straight-up gonna die or something once the timer got to zero. But she sneezed, which was simultaneously the weirdest and most relieving moment in my life."

He looks at her again, but can't quite read her expression. She probably thinks he's crazy by this point, so he might as well explain a little further.

"I went out that day and everyone had a timer above them. Every single one counts down the same thing. I watched Rosa's get to zero that night and she sneezed too."

They're both silent as Amy seems to process what he's told her. She looks like she's trying to find the punchline, like she can't tell if he's giving her another fake excuse or if it really is the truth, despite how genuinely honest he sounds when he says it.

"Here," he says, an idea coming to mind that could help his point, "Give me your phone for a second."

"What? Why?" She's a little defensive in her tone, but he just gestures to her phone.

"Just trust me. I'm not gonna do anything weird, I promise."

She hesitantly puts her phone in the palm of his hand and watches as he pulls up the timer app. He looks up slightly above her and puts in a time, then looks back up again, pausing and counting under his breath until the numbers sync up perfectly and he presses 'start.'

"If this goes off at the same time as you sneeze, will you believe me?"

He hands it back to her and she looks down at the time he's set.

000:14:22:07

She doesn't say anything, instead just pocketing her phone and looking back at him again.

His eyes are full of emotion in that moment, full of hope, trust, fear, so genuine that she is inclined to nod her head at him before turning her attention back to the place they are supposed to be staking out.

 

* * *

 

Fourteen hours later, they're both sitting at their desks. Jake is practically shaking with nerves. This is a fairly big moment in his life, as ridiculous as it may sound.

Amy sneezing is one of the most life-changing events to ever happen to him.

Only about ten minutes until the timer runs out now and he can tell that she must have calculated exactly what time it would happen at some point last night or this morning because she keeps glancing at the time, despite how the phone will let her know when the time is up regardless.

It seems like only thirty seconds but also an eternity when he finally hears Amy's phone ring and she sneezes. She quickly stops the ringing and looks up at him. They lock eyes and stare at each other for a moment before  she nods towards the stairwell, standing up and heading down the stairs, no expression making it onto her face as she walks away.

He follows closely behind, trying to make it look casual as he stalks her into the evidence lockup. As soon as the door closes, she looks up at him, but still says nothing.

"So..." he tries, hoping to jumpstart the conversation.

"This is weird and I still don't know how I can believe it," she finally starts, fiddling with her hands and looking down at her feet. "I mean, it makes no sense, you know?"

She looks at him again, as if expecting him to tell her it was all an elaborate prank. "I promise I'm not lying this time. This is real. I can tell you what everyone else's timers say if that'll help you believe me."

He tries to imagine other ways to prove he's telling the truth, but he can't think of any other way. The timers never show up in photos, and even if they did, he's sure nobody else would see them anyway. He doesn't have one above his own head, and they aren't tangible so he can't just grab one to prove they exist. Setting a timer on her phone and letting her sneeze at the same time as it goes off is the only solution he can think of.

"Jake," she starts, "the thing is that no matter how many times you try to prove it to me like that, I don't think it would help at all. It's all so weird, I mean, you're the only one who can see them, and it's such a weird thing to count down. Why sneezing?" She gestures wildly, as if to emphasize how bizarre it truly is (a fact with which he is already well-acquainted).

There's silence for a moment as she runs her hands through her hair.

"But at the same time..." She pauses, fiddling with her hands once more, trying to figure out the best way to word what she is about to say. "At the same time, I think I do believe you. I trust you. I trust you a lot. And if you say that you can see the timers above everyone's heads telling you when they're going to sneeze, I know you wouldn't lie about something that crazy. Or at least, if you were lying, you wouldn't act like this while you were telling me. You'd make a joke of it and you're not doing that and I trust you and..." She trails off again.

"So, you believe me?" He's cautious as he asks, not wanting to make her revoke her belief so quickly. This is a big moment for him, and her saying he's a liar may actually break him.

"Yes. You've done it for so long, I can't think of any other explanation. It may take a while for me to process this but I think I believe you."

He leans forward and wraps his arms tightly around her.

"Thank you," he whispers.

 

* * *

 

About a week later, he and Amy are on another stakeout. They're sitting in Amy's car this time in a comfortable silence.

He decides to speak up.

"You're the first person I've told, you know."

She turns to him, confusion evident for a split second in her eyes before she realises what he's talking about. She warmly up at him, light blush settling in her cheeks.

"Why me?"

He looks straight ahead again, avoiding eye contact as he tells her, "You were the only one who cared enough to ask." He hesitates before saying, "And I trust you."

"I trust you, too."

He turns back to face her again, moving in a little closer, and a moment later she leans in to meet him in the middle. He closes his eyes as their lips touch. Just like every moment with her, this one seems to last both half a microsecond and an eternity, and he loves every second of it.

And just like that, they pull away from each other. His eyes are half-lidded, filled with warmth and happiness as he looks into hers.

Before he can say anything, her head darts to the side, looking out the windshield again in time to see their perp. She flies out of the car, Jake trailing closely behind her as they chase the man. She catches up quickly and tackles him to the ground, pulling his arms around to his back and wrapping her cuffs around his wrists as she reads him his rights.

Then she looks back up to Jake again, and her eyes are so tender as she makes eye contact with him once more.

"Hey, Amy."

She nods to him, urging him to say what she thinks he's going to say.

"Bless you," he says, grin splitting his face once more.

She rolls her eyes right before her face twists and she sneezes.

**Author's Note:**

> "...they sneeze. The timer resets."
> 
> All this was was me trying to make sneezing as angsty as possible and the prompt made me laugh so this happened
> 
> hmu if you want m8 my tumblr is conner4realz.tumblr.com
> 
> Also please comment!!! You have no idea how much I feed off that shit man


End file.
